“at the end of my life, I hope to pass away, looking back with love and tender regret, and thinking, Oh the pictures I have made”
“… a more violent attack (of vertige) may forever destroy my power to paint.” (#605, sept. 10, 1889)
“I would love to show by this work what this nobody has in his heart”
“I want to paint what I feel” and “feel what I paint”
To Theo; “Oh, if I could have worked without this accursed disease–what things I might have done, isolated from others, following what the country said to me. But there, this journey is over and done with.” (#630, May 1890–Auvers, two months before his death)
In a letter written in December of 1889 to Emile Bernard, his colleague, friend, and peer, Van Gogh wrote: “I still have many things to say to you, but although I am writing today, now that my head has gotten a bit steadier, I was previously afraid to excite it before being cured.” (#B2l, Dec 1889)
“During these attacks … I feel a coward before the pain and suffering … I also feel frightened faced with the suffering of these attacks. It is the work that keeps me well balanced. I cannot live since I have this dizziness (vertigo) so often.” (#605, Sept. 10, 1889).
Van Gogh wrote to Wilhelmina that he suspected his illness was incurable. “I must also say that M. Peyron does not give me much hope for the future and I think this right, he makes me realize that everything is doubtful, that one can be sure of nothing beforehand. I myself expect it [the attacks of “le vertige” (added, see figure 1.)] to return … and that things may continue this way for a long time.” (#605, September 10, 1889–St. Remy)
Vincent wrote to his sister “The more ugly, old, vicious, ill, poor I get, the more I want to take my revenge by producing a brilliant color, well arranged, resplendent (canvas,)” (W#7, September 1888.